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For years now I’ve been getting a strange vibe off CNN. I mean, besides the fact that they’re crazy liberals, of course, and seem to think they’re middle of the road. But this year, it finally solidified. Particularly after reading about their speculation relating to Melania’s SOTU attire. I mean… it can only be one thing.
CNN, as a collective entity has been hitting the bottle hard. It might be reaching the point of no return.
You know how it goes, right? There’s someone in the family, usually the loud and strange uncle, that just gives you that weird vibe, but you can never be absolutely sure they have a problem. It’s entirely possible they’re just assholes, right?
Sure, he gets combative at weddings, and pesters the bride for a kiss; he rants about politics or sex at the most inappropriate moments; and towards the end of a party nothing will do but for him to put on a snazzy hat – or something that can pass as a snazzy hat – and run to the nearest crossroads to direct traffic. But the thing is, what part of this is a serious problem, and what part of it is just being odd, not very well socialized, and frankly sure he knows a lot more about things than he does?
You don’t know, so you endure it and you go along.
Kind of like for years we’ve gone along with CNN, even after they were instrumental in the borking of Robert Bork; even after their hiding, covering up for and trying to glitz up the Clinton sins and peccadillos; even after their marked lack of interest in Obama’s scandals.
It was just CNN being CNN, okay? I mean in the family of news networks in the US they were the crazy leftist uncle, the one who buttonholes you at airports and doctors’ offices and blares his theory of how everything is racist and sexist and homophobic at the top of his lungs. Don’t want to have the country filled with illegal immigrants? Well, that’s because you’re a racist. Don’t want to give women everywhere the power to have a man locked up for rape on just her say-so? Well, you’re sexist. Don’t want to pile on on some bakery in Podunk, Nebraska for not wanting to bake a wedding cake for a gay couple? Why, you homophobe, you.
For years, we, the normal people of America, endured CNN in our hotel lobbies, restaurants and airports, and sighed and rolled our eyes, like people roll their eyes at the crazy uncle at a wedding. Sure, they made our life marginally more annoying but it was CNN being CNN, right?
We made snide remarks under our breath, called it “caliphate news network” or “communist news network” and the more daring among us bought remote controls that turn off public televisions, kind of like a family muttering about the crazy uncle, and arranging for someone to distract him so the rest can enjoy the celebration.
But this year – let’s be honest – things have gotten markedly worse. I mean, CNN has suddenly become obsessed with Trump, and screams the most outrageous things about him, nonstop. The man can’t do anything without its becoming the object of a vicious rant by CNN. CNN is, metaphorically speaking, standing on the street corner, yelling about that evil Trump, “Can’t anyone see what he’s doing? It’s disgraceful. Look at him. He feeds fish wrong in Japan. Look at his wife, she wears the wrong things all the time. Look at her high heels! Appalling. And look, look, they’re holding hands/not holding hands/smiling/not smiling, and it’s disgraceful!”
We know this mode. It’s when the crazy uncle gets upset at a more successful cousin, and can’t stop running him down, the way the crazy uncle does: at the top of his voice and not very coherently.
Then there’s the Russia thing. In spite of there being absolutely no evidence that the Russians did anything to influence American elections – other than run ads and have personas on Facebook, affecting maybe 0.01% of the population, not to mention twitter that affects even fewer people – CNN has been pursuing that case 24/7.
Yep, they’re on the corner screaming “The Russians are coming, the Russians are coming.” They’re trying to grab the sleeves of passerby and getting in people’s faces and screaming “Don’t you see it’s all about the Russians? You must impeach Trump.”
For a while now people have been reacting to that as they react to the crazy uncle, and flinching back, and trying to pull their arm away.
I just didn’t realize till yesterday they’re also recoiling from the alcohol in the breath of the crazy uncle.
Have to be. CNN has gone from the crazy uncle to the crazy, drunk – possibly weeing on himself – uncle. How?
Well, it’s Melania, you know. The poor crazy uncle never could resist a pretty woman. Not that a woman – pretty or not – in her right mind would give him the time of day. But Melania is really pretty, so he’s been obsessed with her for a while.
And now he’s reading all sorts of things into what she wears or doesn’t wear.
From Patterico’s, at the link, quoting CNN:
Melania Trump appeared to a standing ovation in the Capitol and was seated for her husband’s speech just one minute before its scheduled start.Wearing a cream pantsuit by French design house Christian Dior, and a white silk blouse from Italian label Dolce & Gabbana, the first lady looked coincidentally very similar to the female Democratic congressional members who last year at Trump’s address to the Joint Session of Congress protested Trump’s policies by wearing white, the color of suffragettes.
This, of course, means nothing, since the democratic congressional members this year were wearing black to protest something or other. (Mostly I think because their avoir du pois, except that of the desiccated and possibly embalmed Nancy Pelosi, is that of a mac truck and black is slimming, but trust the Democrats to make it sound significant.)
As Patterico puts it:
It’s quite obvious that CNN doesn’t think this is a coincidence at all. They think Melania is sending them a Coded Signal: Help! I’m being oppressed! But I’m fighting back by wearing white like the suffragettes!
You know when the crazy uncle gets to this point, it’s time for detox. He’s gone so far that next thing you know, he’ll be screaming that Melania is blinking “Russian influence” in Morse code, or that Trump called CNN “son of a whore” by gestures.
It’s time.
Someone grab CNN and get it to the nearest ER. Tell them to put it on a banana bag drip and not let them out till they’re speaking semi-coherently again.
Yes, we realize it might be a long, long time.
And even then, if it’s ever to have an independent existence, I think it’s time for an AA intervention, if only we can get CNN to believe in a power greater than itself.
It’s going to be a long road back from, “Hi, I’m CNN and I’m a Trump-hate-aholic” to reality.
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